And on the 6th day of Hanukkah

Image via Wikipedia

I made this soup.

And the lord saw it and said it was good.

So that turkey lived happily ever after.

It's a bird. It's a plane. It's......

Image by quinn.anya via Flickr

Making me nervous.

My goose is cooked because my turkey is not. There's an 18 lb turkey in my fridge, the centerpiece of tonight's Hanukkah meal, and I'm scared.

Millions of people have cooked millions of birds and lived to tell the tale. ('tho dead men tell no tales.) Still given my fame as a non-cook, I'm paralyzed as a non-swimmer at the edge of the diving board. How do I know if it's completely defrosted? What do you mean, I have to "tie the legs together with cooking thread"? What's cooking thread? What is the best temperature for roasting? How do I know when it is done? How do I keep it moist? How do I find room in the oven to keep latkes warm?

Oy, the latkes! They're enough of a challenge; I had to try a turkey? What was I thinking? I've already eaten the gelt. I've bitten off more than I can chew.

I'm a fry-baby.